


Hold My Hand Through This Nightmare

by togbss



Category: Banana Fish (Anime & Manga)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety, Banana Fish Angst Week 2019, Fluff and Smut, I Don't Even Know, M/M, Okumura Eiji Needs a Hug, PTSD, Protective Ash Lynx, Rape Recovery, Shorter is alive, Working Out My Feelings Through Fic, dont attack me, i dont have strong insight of how rape affects a person but im trying okay, i love eiji but i also love angst, theres more than one chapter
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-01-07
Updated: 2019-09-07
Packaged: 2019-10-06 06:13:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 6
Words: 8,925
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17340065
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/togbss/pseuds/togbss
Summary: Arthur follows through with his promise.Eiji is forced to live the life Ash desperately tries to escape from.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> im new so im figuring out how to use this. i cant seem to edit how many chapters this story will have but its not just ONE chpt...

"Get on your knees."

"..."

"Get. On. Your. Knees." The man growled lowly.

Eiji wasn't sure if hes fully comprehended the predicament hes in. Despite the throbbing pain blossoming all over his body from the relentless beatings hes received on end because he'd rather die than submit to dirty men who want him to spread his legs wide for their own pleasure. Eiji wasn't sure if he was going to survive through this living nightmare. Its as if hes watching in third perspective because the numbness of his injuries spread from head to toe which hes secretly grateful for. As long as he can block out what's coming next, he desperately prays for the senseless feeling to last long enough.

Another man strides up from behind the man towering Eiji, peering over uninterested and clearly impatient by the way his eyes flick towards his watch every ten minutes.  "Papa Dino is allowing us to do what ever the fuck we want with the jap. Stop tip-toeing around him and hurry up."

The man had eyes of utter hunger set on Eiji and Eiji couldn't surpress the shiver that crawled creepily down his spine as the man took a step closer, swiping his tongue across his chapped lips and chuckled gravely. "There's no rush. Papa Dino, won't be back till Friday. Besides,"

His hand shot out and grasped Eiji by his jaw before he could evade it. He could only glare daggers as the man leaned down, eye contact trained on him with an intensity that made his stomach churn.

"I plan on breaking this kitten."

Eiji's facade left as soon as it came.


	2. Epiphany

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i initially planned on making this chapter more than 1000 words but ive been busy and i dont want you guys to wait :|

Eiji understood that rape can drastically affect a person, although there's an astronomical difference between knowing and experiencing first-hand. He would've never thought in his 19 years of living... there'd be a day someone would violate him in the most grotesque ways.

The ropes dug into his skin, etched into his wrists, both hands binded behind his back uncomfortably. His head shoved into the duvet that smelled faintly of iron and chlorine, he didn't think twice about why. 

The hands gripping at the nape of his neck, fingers unyielding and compressing the flow of his blood but he had a long-drawn-out before he could lose conciousness. The man above him measured the amount of time he'd block his blood flow and at the very peak of slipping into the dark where Eiji would cease to feel any pain, he'd release. Eiji gasped for a breath, blinking away the receding blackness in his peripheral vision. He hoped the man miscalculated so he could fall into slumber. To take him away.

Anywhere but here. 

"Afraid.... I'll pass out...?" Eiji countered hoarsely. 

"Want to hear your pretty little moans." His finger tips dragging agonizingly slow down his back, tracing the path of his spine and slowing to a stop at his briefs. 

Eiji swore his stomach sat in his throat.

He hissed, struggling and kicking out his leg, narrowly missing the mans crotch, "Don't touch me!" 

"Fiesty little bitch, aint ya?" 

"Get your filthy hands off-!!" The man snarled, grabbing a handful of Eiji's hair, yanking him to his knees with a force that had his neck screaming in protest and scalp burning. 

"Keep this shit up! I'm not a patient man." 

Tears sprung into Eiji's eyes but the fire in them, not once, failed to dissipate. He'd never- not in a million years- grovel to their knees and submit. He may take by force but never by his will."You can't break me." 

A resonating chuckle rose from within the man and soon enough he was roaring with atrocious laughter, his body convulsing but it all slowed to a gradual halt as the man leaned into his ear, leering, "I can always try." 

"And achieve... nothing...? You have no sense of morality." He let him go and Eiji flopped back onto the bed with an "Umph!" 

"Perhaps." The man mumbled quietly under his breath, Eiji nearly missed it. 

He began to unbuckle his belt, the metal clinging against one another hung in the atmosphere as Eiji's breathing accelerated in apprehension. The dread knotted in his stomach like a pretzel, horror washed over his features and despite the dropping temperature in the room, his muscles began to tremble uncontrollably. Peering over his shoulder as far as he could, he noted; 

One: his pants were dropped down to his knees, Two: His hands were tied behind his back, Three: There was no getting out of this situation.It was going to happen regardless of the stalling, insults, resistance...

Eiji was finally able to digest everything up till now.

_I'm going to be raped._


	3. 76 hours earlier...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i eat angst for breakfast. ahskd heeeyy guys, i absolutely have n o words for myself... this chapter was an excruciating process for me because im like... BIG DUMB so i had to re-edit this chapter 4-5 times because i initially planned on updating a few days ago and id be like "HEY JUST EDIT ON AO3 SINCE YOURE GONNA POST IT RIGHT WHEN YOURE DONE." NOPE. THATS NOT WHAT HAPPENED- WHAT SHOULDVE HAPPENED BUT DIDNT. basically id lose the ao3 tab somehow along with my editing and omg i still want to cry. I FINALLY FUCKING LEARNED MY LESSON. (I HOPE) AND EDITED ON MY WRITING APP. SO EVERYTHING IS SAVED. tbh guys im not too happy with this chapter... im a big mean critic towards my own work so ill leave it up to you guys. i hope everyone will enjoy it. PLEASE COMMENT YOUR OPINION IN THE COMMENT SECTION, ID LOVE TO KNOW YOUR THOUGHTS. :)) okay imma shut up now.

"Ash, Are you home?" Eiji called out, walking into their house, dropping his keys into the bowl with a clang, and set his bag aside. He frowned when there was no response and shrugged to himself. "Probably with the gang."

Shutting the door behind him, he shook off his coat, neatly hanging it on the hook and walked into the kitchen.

_What should I make for dinner tonight... Maybe tofu stir fry?_

He decided it'd be best to call the man himself and ask him the exact same question. He dug for his phone from his back pocket and tapped the call button as soon as Ash's contact popped up on screen.

Three rings passed and the phone picked up, "Eiji?"

"Ash! I'm sorry for bothering, I know you're busy-" Eiji fretted.

"You're never a bother." Ash retaliated easily. A flare of warmth flooded into his cheeks and he quickly dismissed the statement.

"I was wondering what you'd like to eat for dinner..." Ash paused for a few seconds.

It seemed as if Ash was going to say something but decided against it and instead hummed in contemplation. Not long after, he spoke up. "Actually, don't wait up for me. I don't think I'll be coming home tonight."

The little flicker of hope plummeted. _He hasnt been home in a while..._

"Oh..." The crack of his voice slipped. Which Ash caught within a miles distance.

"Eiji-"

They'd gone through this a handful of times. It was practically a routine at this point. Absently chewing on his bottom lip, he replied, "It's fine, it's fine. I was feeling a little tired anyway."

He lost count of the amount times he falsely assured Ash because he'd rather lie than make Ash upset. Ash had important things to worry about, life-threatening ones. Relevant matters.

There was hesitation on the other side of the line so he added, "I will prepare a fruit bowl for you to eat in the morning if you get hungry, Okay? Be safe and stay warm."

Ash hesitated, "... okay, thank you... Goodnight, Eiji."

"Goodnight, Ash."

Ash intercepted before Eiji could hang up, "I'll be there in the morning when you wake up. _I promise_."

"Yeah... Bye." The insincere smile quivered and ultimately fell from his face the second the call dropped. He felt guilty for wanting be surrounded and engulfed by Ash's presence. He felt pathetic and greedy for being so needy.

_I will see him in the morning. At least I get to see him at all. That should be enough... no.. this is enough... its enough..._

Even as he struggled to evade the truth that prodded at his lie, light shunned on it anyway _._

_It isn't enough._

Drained of energy suddenly. It was barely 7 P.M. and he hadn't eaten since the morning. The mention of food bore a deep growl. He rolled up his sleeves and set about to prepare Ash's breakfast and then make his own snack to quell his hunger.

After he finished, he cleaned up his mess and stocked the container of fruit that had a sticky note attached to the lid.

He'd never adapt to the poor diet of americans although right now, he could care less. He then tasked himself to grab the ingredients to make a PBJ with sliced bananas.

In the process of pulling out the loaf of bread from the pantry, a series of knocks resonated from the front door. Peering from the corner, confused. Unsettled, he glanced at his phone on the counter.

_I got off the phone with Ash not too long ago, he would've sent me a message if plans changed._

They almost never get visitors and Ash forbids all interaction with people outside the building. Eiji thought of the people who could be at the door unannounced.

_Mrs. Coleman left to florida to go visit her son and Mrs. Owen is also out on vacation in Cancun with her husband... it couldn't possibly be them. The house wives were too perky and jolly-golly to be quiet the whole duration of this moment._

Grounded where he stood, he decided to wait with baited breath.

_They'll go away if they think no one's home._

Another round of knocks came again.

 _Its probably Kong and Bones_. Eiji tried to reassure himself.

He proceeded with upmost caution, tip-toeing over to the door. Avoiding the creaking board beneath his feet and hesitantly squinting one eye into the peep hole. His heart skyrocketed when he saw no one yet this time, a fist pounded on the door and he yelped, jumping away, slipping on the pair of shoes he left by the doorway. Creating a clatter of noise as he fell hard, he cursed and scrambled up to his feet. Jetting to the kitchen for his phone, he snatched it from the counter, dashed down the hallway into the nearest room and slammed it shut as soon as he stepped into the threshold.

At that instant, a resounding crash came from the entrance, defeaning and aggressive enough to shake the walls.

Stiffly locking the door, eiji whirled around, searching for a spot to hide.

_I'm in the office._

He quickly dropped to all fours and slithered under the desk. It was a sizable dark wood desk therefore he had no trouble fitting under.

He dialed for Ash with trembling hands. He could only bide his time and hope ash would pick up.

Three rings.

A bead of sweat trickled.

Four rings.

_Please, please pick up Ash.._

Five rings-

"Hello? Eiji?"

"Ash! Someone broke into the house!" He whispered into the phone.

There was a deathlike stillness and then Ash spoke, his tone hard, "Where are you right now?"

"I'm in the office under the desk."

"Okay. On the right side of the desk in the last drawer, i have a .500 magnum hidden under the wood panel."

_How long has that been there?_

Eiji dismissed the thought and reached blindly for the last drawer, emptying its contents frantically and lifted the wood panel to reveal a hefty silver revolver sitting in all its glory. Beside the gun, a pocket sized box of bullets. He grabbed both and settled back into the corner of the desk.

All the while pressing the phone between his ear and shoulder as he loaded the gun.

Eiji had been protected at times similar to this- not because he was incapable of doing so but fortunately eiji didnt live a life that required him to learn how to shoot a gun or defend himself for that matter.

"Stay quiet and dont move. I'm on my way right now. If they go into the room, don't hesitate to shoot." No matter how loud Eiji's breathing seemed to be, it failed to mask the the tremor in Ash's voice. Eiji knows he strong but not enough. Not in all aspects. Not like ash.

"Ash?" He hadnt meant to sound so afraid.

"I need you to stay quiet -"

"I need to tell you something." Eiji pressed.

He gulped, mouth dry and throat tight. He needed to confess to Ash before it was too late.

Before it was taken to the grave.

Eiji assumed Ash was running due to the wind whistling into the phone. "Eiji please, not right now. You can tell me after-"

"There may not be an _after_ Ash!-" He whispered despairingly. The door knob twitched, a tentative twist and then the intruder began thrusting their body against the door after they realized it was locked from the inside out. Silence ultimately shattered.

Time itself slowed to an agonizing pause and it occured to Eiji, _Ash can hear. He's aware of what's happening... I can't... do that to him. I won't let him witness whatever might happen to me. He... he doesn't deserve to deal with more trauma._

Tears caressed down the length of his grave face. Tickling his cheek in its wake. Fluid leaking out his eyes dripped and dropped onto the barrel of the pistol and as he watched it glide off; time resumed. On impulse, he blurted, "I've never loved anything or anyone Ash, please understand that-"

" _Stop_!-" Ash croaked.

"Every single day that I stood by you were the best days of my life because I-I learned how to love and I loved- love you so fiercely, it _hurts_. A g-good hurt." Pain in his heart bled through his eyes,

 

"Li-" Suddenly the door to the computer room busted open. The door thrown back and hanging off its hinge.

It was evident that Ash was just as hysterical as Eiji was internally.

"IM ON MY WAY, IM COMING RIGHT NOW! Argh! EIJI SHO!-" The call dropped.

Silence seeped into the room, eerily enveloping the quietness. Involuntarily, his breathing accelerated and he gripped onto the pistol so tight his knuckles turned white.

He clasped a shaky hand over his mouth.

A low chuckle reverberated and it lapsed over his panting, "Come on out, I wont hurt you pretty bird." A voice of a man sing-songed. Eiji remained frozen. "Didn't your mother ever teach you manners?"

The small whimper of a creak, the man paced back and forth.

Eiji's eyes hardened and a snarl marled on his lips, moving his hand away from his face. He mustered up courage and bit out harshly. "If you're looking for Ash, I suggest you turn around and leave because you're only looking to get _killed_." Words dripping with pure venom, he crawled out from under the desk and at the edge stood a man hes never seen before. The man appeared sickly pale, nevertheless dressed in a refined navy blue business suit. Pistol unsheathed in its holster latched onto his hip.

"You're mistaken if you think I'm looking for Ash, kitty. No, no... I don't give a shit about that kid but I do find myself interested in his... toy."

"What are you talking about?"

He smiled cunningly, teeth bared, "No one likes a smart ass."

"I dont know what you mean by "toy"! Just tell me!"

"You, of course. You're the toy. The boy toy owned by Ash Lynx, the infamous gang leaders pet... whore.... significant other and so on."

"..."

"You go by many names in the streets you know? None of us know your true relationship with the merciless murderer-"

"Don't you dare... call him a murderer." The retaliation flew out Eiji's mouth before he could reconsider.

The man mused, "I hit a sore spot. I call it like it is, kitty. Ash lynx is a murderer and you can't deny that."

"You dont know shit!" The itch to shut the man up ached to be scratched.

"I don't? Let's see, your name is Eiji Okumura. Born in Japan, city of Izumo. Son of a whore and a dying father." He listed with his fingers, "You've got a little sister. You went to- Why are you shaking kitty... _hm_ ~" A crooked grin grew on his ashen face and Eiji tried to swallow the lump of fear lodged in his throat.

He took a cautious step back. "Can't you just leave?! Please I don't want to shoot you! So walk out of this house while you still can."

The mans shouldere slouched heavily like a rag doll slumped, snickering under his breath. " _Leave_?" He repeated as if it were ludicrous.

"After I came all the way out here solely for you? Ah, you're hysterical." He responded sarcastically.

Distinctly Eiji could hear a phone ring. Buzzing and vibrating on the floor boards. His hand shot down to his back pocket, patting for his phone, eyes flitting between the device and the enemy across from him. Said man seemed to have picked up the noise by the way his head tilted, listening for the direction of the vibration.

The man unclenched and clenched his fists, eyes gradually going red as he grit his teeth angrily. "Pick up the phone." Demanding, He gestured at the desk.

Eiji could tell his patience was waning because the call wouldn't stop demanding for someone to  _answer_  the phone.

_Ash..._

Eiji's heart felt as if it were in held in this vice grip however still managing to beat wildly, similar to the chaotic and thrilling song he heard during a performance he and Ash stumbled upon. The drum was his favorite part, it thrummed in his veins, oh so badly he wanted to dance along with the beat. It made him feel alive like he'd taken a premium nap or something- he wasn't sure how to explain it in words but now... he despised this feeling of dread and anticipation for what might come next. No longer did he like the drums.

"I won't. There's no need to answer. They must be calling the wrong number." Eiji retaliated steadily. Mentally grounding himself to keep his guard up.

"You're a terrible liar, kitty."

No longer did Eiji want to dance along with the tempo.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> you can harass me on twitter. @togbss
> 
> (i reread this chapter and realized i made a few mistakes so i corrected them.) :/


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ash will play satan if he has too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok so, i have no idea what the fuck im writing. Im so sorry for this short chapter, hopefully i can post chapter 5 some time this week. Heres some shorter x cain and sad baby ash for yall.

Ash slammed his foot on the breaks, tires screeching and disturbed vehicles behind him honked, New York pedestrians spitting insults out of their windows. He jumped out after shifting the car into park without bothering to shut the door because Eiji circulated in his mind like a broken record. Nothing but the endangerment of Eiji’s life occurred to him.

In the midst of discussing plans regarding a new perilous enemy with Shorter and Cain, he received a frantic call from Eiji about an intruder in the house.   
  
He's never rushed out of a room so quickly before.     
  
Not long after, Shorter and Cain pulled up to a rough stop on Shorter's motorcycle, following after Ash's hurried pace into the condominium. Neighbors hollered their greetings when they ran into the handsome blonde but Ash's mind was preoccupied that he didn't notice as he sped by on a corner. Nearly slipping on the rug beneath his feet, he caught himself before he hit the ground.

Shorter questions, "Ash! Do you think-"   
  
"It wouldn't be much of a coincidence if it was _him_ !"   
  
"All along he's been aware of us tailing him but never bothered to pull a move till now..." Cain remarks, a contemplative yet confused expression pulling on his face.

Ash proceeded to run exceedingly faster towards the open and empty elevator as the doors suddenly began to close. Ash narrowly made it through the remaining gap before they shut completely. Leaving Shorter and Cain behind, they huffed in minor exertion for it’d been a while since they’ve ran.

Slowing to halt, Shorter refused to wait 80 years for the elevator to come back down to the first floor from the painful level of Ash’s house.

He eyed the stairway in the corner.

Cain caught onto his path of view. A cringe of pain engraving its way on his face. “You ain’t serious.”

“I’m willing to go through hell and heaven for my friends.” Shorter says in all seriousness.

Cain heaved a deep sigh, abandoning all complaints. “Thought you’d say somethin’ like that.”

Shorter had the utter gall to smirk.

“Please, by all means,” Cain gestured to the daunting stairway entrance. “Lead the way.”

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Ash paced back and forth, dread settling itself in the center of his stomach, biting his nails as he rasped heavily with breaths. Intently watching the number of floor levels increase, ready to bolt once the doors opened like bats flying out of hell.

Alas, the elevator was as slow as the packed traffic in all of New York.

He cursed, kicking at the wall, “fuck fuck fuck fuck… Please, please let him be okay.” Chanting these words and pulling at the roots of his hair. Dully noting how his hands were trembling, shaking with… well at this point, it was basically ten different emotions all packed overwhelmingly into one human.

The doors opened eventually and he sprinted down the hall to an all familiar door. Except there was no door but the remnants of said door on the floor in the entrance of their house. Almost as if it were blown off its hinges. His heart squeezed and _squeezed_ , his stomach clenched and churned, “Eiji!” Apprehensive, the beat of his heart drowned out the noise underwater.

Hoping to find Eiji but fearing what he’d find. Or wouldn’t find.

_“I’m in the office, under your desk!”_

A motion of blur passed and suddenly he realized he was already in the center of the room. Glass crunching under his shoes brought him back to awareness, his eyes slowly taking in the paper work and photos strewn all over, the desk flipped over to the opposite side of the room and the book shelf laying flat on the floor…

The pool of blood staring back at him.

Cursing at him for arriving too late; for failing to protect Eiji from the potential dangers right under his nose. If only he’d gone home 40 minutes earlier.

Unshed tears brimmed, pooling and then ultimately overflowing heavily as his face constricted, clamping his eyes locked tight, and lips quivering helplessly. “Where’d you go, Eiji… where’d they take you…” He cried out quietly.

He was defeated but far from giving up. He’d get back up and strike back a hundred more times harder. He’d become your worst nightmare, he’d become your fears and make you remember him when you lie awake at night paranoid half to death; bet on that because he does it for a living.

When he reopened his eyes, he was met with the sight of the pistol he instructed Eiji to protect himself with. Numbly, walking over to it, he plucked it off the ground and checked the barrel of bullets. Only two unused. For a long moment, the air around him remained eerily quiet and still, staring at the gun in his hand, thoughts going haywire. What was he supposed to do now?

_You get him back at any cost and raise hell._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter: Ash lacks self care while looking restlessly for Eiji. Eiji attempts his escape.


	5. no broken promises

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ash sucks at taking care of himself, Eiji is avoiding his anxiety like the plague and plans his escape, and Shorter is mentally exhausted. They all need a hug.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i hope you guys read my a/n yesterday. please consider my favor! i really do hope you guys enjoy this chapter. it took me a while to get this done... like a month i think. anyways i kept revising this because i made ash a little ooc by being an emotional, whiny baby, and i just... cringed so unbelievably hard and deleted it. and eiji’s situation is complicated to write out because im trying to put myself in his shoes and consider what he would probably do if this was canon. i know that he places himself before everybody else and would do anything to get back to Ash. oh god, i hope i pulled it off. okay imma just stfu now and let yall read. please let me know your thoughts!

~76 **hours earlier…~**

 

“Ash, you’re not thinking clearly! I need you to stop and listen to me!” Shorter blocked the entrance of the door. 

 

Everything before that present day was going smooth, no wars, a small number of deaths. It was fortunate enough to be grateful, but the world and the fucked up shit it harnessed eventually falls into place, and then there’s spilt blood. 

 

Ash, Engrossed with the thought of getting Eiji back immediately before those men could touch him with foul, tainted hands and defile his soul till they’ve rendered him useless. The thought alone rattled his bones and wiped all rational sense. A warm-hearted soul, so gentle, yet so demanding and straight-forward, one that overflows its radiance so bright. It could reach at any distance, to any person, and it would wrap you in a silk-like embrace all around. No limb forgotten- not even a strand of hair and it would cradle you tenderly as if it were holding a doll made up of fragile glass pieced together in broken shards; said shards ready to burst at the seams if it were to jostle. 

 

That doll happened to be Ash Lynx, however his soul shattered long ago into teeny, tiny, shards of glass spread out or lost for good.

 

Although, Eiji had a knack for surprising him in extraordinary ways.   

 

The glass shards were piled up. Eiji with patience, began piecing these fragments of his soul one bit by one. A puzzle almost, really. If he hadn't placed it in the correct spot, he accepted that defeat and moved onto another. And by the time Eiji reached for the last shard, he realized there weren't enough, some were missing. 

 

The crevices on Ash’s soul, he held gingerly with both hands, he examined thoughtfully, reminded him strongly of roots, roots dividing into two, and into three, and into an endless count…

 

The light of his soul glaring and pulsing vibrantly.

 

 _Beautiful_ , he thought. 

 

_Flawed, unfortunately yes._

 

_But, what isn't?_

 

 _Imperfect makes perfect._ With that said, he delicately kissed the soul and handed it over to its rightful owner. 

 

////

 

"Get out of my way, Shorter." 

 

Shorters defensive stance sharpened and his frown hardened. "If I gotta fight you to listen…I will, Ash." 

 

Broken glass crunched underneath Ash's shoes. In his peripheral, Cain stood aside warily, unsure whether to interfere or not. Ash became anxious standing there and not doing anything to get Eiji back. He promised- promised to everyone, to Eiji that he'd protect him.

 

Where was Eiji now? 

 

He didn't know and that's what drove him in a disorientation.

 

"You're wasting time! I'm on unguaranteed time, Shorter! GET OUT OF MY WAY!" He spat, eyes wild, teeth gritting painfully, he attempted to shove his way through the blockade of Shorters body, although he was pushed away roughly, stumbling. 

 

"I can't let you go on a blind rage! I want to look for Eiji as much as you do but you need to calm down so we can think of a plan!" Shorter yelled desperately. His face pained and throat aching.

 

"I need to find him." Ash whispered hoarsely. No moisture and sandpaper for a tongue. He gulped down what he had anyway. Emerald eyes gleaming to almost none. Holding no emotion but one. 

 

Fear. 

 

The tension from his shoulders sagged as Shorter sympathized from the look on Ash's face. How would he react if someone- one who's most important to him were to be taken right from his very hands? He'd be nothing but impulsive. And that's why friends are a necessity. They keep you on your feet when you stray away from sanity. 

 

He grasped Ash's shoulder and yanked him into a hug. "We'll do everything we can to find him. Day in and day out, but a plan is what we need to do this the right way." 

 

So, the race of Ash's anxiety ended to a slow, heartbeat to a rest, and the pounding of his blood became indistinct to nothing in a matter of seconds. 

 

"Will we?" Fear uttered these words. 

 

Ash felt small. Ash became that inevitably small and terrified child. 

 

He was reliving it all over again. 

 

~~

 

**PROCEED WITH CAUTION. BRIEF SCENE OF RAPE.**

  
  
  
  
  


**~Present~**

  


Bed springs creaked, erratic thumps against the wall, the quivering mattress, shameless grunts and groans; guttural and raw. 

 

The husk scent of cigarettes and sex staining the air.

 

Head buried in the pillow, hite-knuckled grip on the headboard, unrelenting thrusts forced into him as his body jutted forward sharply. A yelp of pain ripped from his mouth and he quickly clamped his mouth shut. A metallic flavor pooled in his mouth, yet there was no pain. 

 

 _I bit my tongue…_ He noted to himself in a haze. 

 

When had he become so numb to this "routine"?

 

Not entirely numb, he digressed. The throbbing sensation of hot pins and needles, bruises bestrewned on his body was possibly the only thing keeping him awake. He hated it. Forced to hear their enjoyment, see their twisted grins, feel- god the feeling… he threw up twice in his mouth and swallowed it down both times. Although, he was grateful for that since the man refused to kiss him. Eiji spat at him and threw a punch with every inch of strength he could muster. 

 

That didn't end well, however, Eiji didn't regret it one bit. 

 

They won't break him, they won't break him, they won't break him-

 

 _They'll never break me._ _I won't give them the satisfaction._ And he didn’t give them the satisfaction. If they wanted to violate him, so be it, but not without scratching out an eye or two and thrash all about till they’ve beaten him bloody. 

 

 _They were good at that,_ he mused.

 

Eventually, Eiji was restrained and seeing that his efforts were futile, he shut his mind off; reciting poems loudly in his head, counting backwards from 1,000 in english, recalling the comforting hands that once combed through his hair as he fell asleep soundly on his grandmother's lap. All the while she hummed a tune of a song he didn’t recognize at first. Perhaps it was her own song. 

 

He hummed for hours after they had relieved themselves and left him in a pitiful and boneless heap on the bed. 

 

He hummed hoarsely to fill the silence settling in the room. 

 

His thoughts were the loudest of all.

 

~~

 

Hours grew by and Eiji stared blankly at the wall, laying on his stomach, arm draped from the end of the bed. 

 

He tried to reminisce the warmth of home. What was home to him? Was it back at Izumo? New York? What made him want to go back and curl up and relax? What home felt safest to him?

 

The hue of new green spring leaves, translucent with light; sparkling, and magical. Forest pools of jade appeared in his minds eyes.  

 

_Ash._

 

He smiled loosely to himself. _Of course he had to be it. It wouldn’t make sense otherwise._

 

_“What would you do if you could rewind time?” Ash had asked out of the blue._

 

_Dumbfounded, Eiji replied, “Hm? Rewind time? Uh… I don’t think I would want to change anything.”_

 

_“Nothing?” Ash reciprocated, sounding doubtful of Eiji’s response._

 

_Eiji chirped, oblivious to his dubious question, “Nothing.” He seemed to think about something for a second and Ash waited with baited breath._

 

_Here it comes…_

 

_“If I were to change my past, wouldn’t it interfere with the present? I wouldn’t like that. I like the present, I got to meet you and live in your world. A scary world, but somehow you managed to help me survive through it. The time I spent with all of you guys,”_

 

_He turned to Ash, and Ash was stunned into astonishment. His eyes tender and genuine, Eiji spoke with utmost certainty, “I wouldn’t trade that for the world.” and as he spoke word after word, Ash’s heart felt full. Ready to burst at the seams._

 

_Ash had nodded and walked quietly out the room._

 

**So, Eiji.**

 

**If you could rewind time, would you?**

 

Eiji shut his eyes with ease, drew in a breath through his nose, and at no notice of hesitation, opened his eyes as a sad smile kissed his lips and said, 

 

“Never.” 

  


Then the door opened with a click. 

  


~~~~~~

 

Eiji received little to no visitors the next morning and began plotting his escape. Sitting on the mattress, knees crossed, and a deep frown engraved on his face. 

 

 _What would Ash do? What would Ash do? Do I keep running until I find an exit? Do I stop and hide? Do I kill them-if that is even possible?_ Eiji pondered. Calculating the possibilities if he were to take his chances and escape right now. 

 

_How important is my life to them?_

 

He paused at the thought. _Clearly not much._  

 

Bitterly, he swallowed down the bile clawing at his throat, and hugged his waist, a shudder raising the hairs on his arms. Nails biting into flesh, crescents forming. His chest pushed and pulled with shaky heaves of quick breaths. The room began to feel abnormally small and tight. He urged the persistent memories of hands, empty sockets for eyes, the yellow teeth of their wicked grins peering down at him to go away in the darkest and isolated corner of his mind. He was defiled. Utterly defiled, but this wouldn’t strike him down. He would continue to live because Ash- he wanted to be with Ash as long as possible, wanted to take more pictures and brag to his sister about all his adventures, wanted to be there with Ash when he experienced how to live a normal life without guns and wounds, he wanted to go back to japan with the american boy and show him… show him there is more to life than gangs, mafias, prostitution, and drugs. 

 

He wanted to show him that life can be good. And he knew he would be able to give him that. 

 

But, a dead man is a useless man, and Eiji doesn’t plan on dying anytime soon. 

 

The involuntary shivering subsided after Eiji practiced deep breathing techniques Ibe taught him when he was in high school. “I’m okay, I’m fine… Don’t think about it… okay… everything will be okay, I’ve gotta find a way o-out and get back to Ash… all that matters…” Eiji relieved a sigh and got up from the bed, grabbing his tattered shirt and slipped it on. 

 

The shirt didn’t cover much, it draped over his pelvic area, but that was enough. Dignity was no longer a problem at this point.  

 

Eiji never bothered taking a good look around the room they threw him in…. _How long have I been gone? How long…_ He dismissed it hastily, not wanting to have another panic attack, and continued to scan the room. The white sheets and pillows on the bed were in disarray, the color itself no longer a clean white. He cringed. The night stand was filthy, littered with used cigarettes and empty glass beer bottles. _Ah ha!_

 

He wrapped the bottle with a pillow case and placed the pillow on top, pulled the lamp from its outlet, and smashed it. He unwrapped the bottle, and chose the head of the bottle with broken sharp shards protruding outwards. _If I want to go home, I have to do what's necessary._

 

He kicked the pillow case under the bed and hid the makeshift weapon under the pillow. Plopping himself onto the bed with a dreary sigh. _I know I am way over my head with this plan… What will I do if there are more than two men outside that door? I don’t know where I am nor what to do next when I make it out of this room._

 

_I can… somehow convince him to leave my hands untied and kill him as soon as he’s distracted. But then, what next? Run out of here and get cornered by the other rest? I’m… how can I protect myself? They kill for sport, but I… I can’t falter. I cannot hesitate._

 

Eiji only wanted to go home. That’s all there is to it. 

 

“Do not hesitate.” A mantra. A prayer. A command. He engrained those three words into his mind. 

 

Eiji chanted until the door opened once again. 

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Shorter sat at the end of the couch, looking through leaked information his men lent him regarding Eiji’s whereabouts that morning. From his peripheral, Ash was dozing off to sleep that he so obviously needed and then he’d snap himself into wakefulness. This was a repetitive process, Shorter huffed, turning to Ash who was in a pitiful and uncomfortable position of deep sleep. 

 

“You should really get some sleep man.” 

 

Ash woke with a startled jerk, he groused, “-huh? I’m awake!” 

 

Seeing that it was only Shorter, he sagged, “I’m not tired…” 

 

Shorter disagreed, “Ash, you were literally nodding off a minute ago. No offense, but you look like shit.” 

 

“You aren’t a pretty sight either.” Ash sighed and resumed where he had left off of. Fingers tapping once again at his laptop.  “I can stay awake for a few more hours, it’s not a big deal.” 

 

 _Not a big-_ Shorter’s patience was hanging on by a thread and it was going to snap any moment.

 

“How do you expect to look for Eiji if your brain is sleep deprived and you drop dead?!” He fumed.

 

Ash paid him no mind, brows knitted, eyes drooping unevenly, the dark circles under his eyes said otherwise but, “I won’t-“ Ash persisted. 

 

Shorter sprung from his seat, phone clattering to the floor. _“_ That’s not up to you! We’re human, Ash. Not invincible.” 

 

“Unfortunately.” Ash responded dully. 

 

Shorter slumped, “Please, Ash.” He said, appearing more tired and… almost defeated. “Six hours of sleep won’t kill you.” 

 

Ash acted oblivious to it anyway. He couldn’t- _wouldn’t_ allow himself that luxury. “Six hours is valuable time… I can’t afford to _lose_ anymore of it.” 

 

“Gah! Why are you so stubborn?! I’ll be the one looking for Eiji when you need to rest!” 

 

“One person isn’t enough-“ 

 

“Cain and I- my men- _your_ _men!_ It’s more than enough! You're not the only one looking for Eiji!” 

 

Ash sat in suffocating silence. The air tense and unmoving.

 

Shorter continued despite that, “Ash, I’ve never begged in my entire life, but now I am. I am _desperately”_ Shorter enunciated, “begging you to get some rest…” 

 

“If I don’t watch out for you, Eiji is going to tear me to pieces and then he’ll make you eat his natto that you despise so much for a whole year.” He chuckled sadly afterwards, no longer looking at Ash, but at the ground. Head bowed and a grave face. 

 

Silence pursued. Utter silence. Shorter was slowly succumbing to defeat. But then, after a prolonged minute of silence, Ash spoke up. 

 

Ash, finding the right words, he wearily gazed up at Shorter. A distant look in his eyes. “If it meant... I had to eat his natto every day in order to be with him again, I would do it…” Ash gave a worn out grin. His eyes cloudy, likely daydreaming when Eiji was next to him, speaking with his god awful english accent, beaming up at him with plates for eyes that held a starry black night sky. Teasing or being teased. Ash had to swallow the lump in his throat. 

 

Short resigned a sigh. “Then go to _sleep._ You can’t rescue Eiji if you’re nodding off every five minutes.”

 

“It wouldn’t be manly nor impressive.” He added jokingly. To shrug off the serious tension in the air amongst them. Ash’s shoulder shook with a brief laugh. 

 

The room turned quiet again. 

 

Ash stood up after a long moment and walked to his bedroom, but before he passed shorter, he stopped. Hand on Shorter’s shoulder, exhausted eyes finally relenting to his pleas.“Shorter… Please help me-“

 

“You don’t even gotta ask man.” Shorter shook his head, a confident smile plastered on his face. “We’ll get Eiji back. I’ll see to it.”

 

The dullness of Ash’s eyes seemed to brighten by a mere fraction and he left Shorter standing in the middle of the room without a word. 

 

~~~~~

 

Ash woke up the next day restless, body sore for unknown reasons. 

 

_Maybe because I haven’t slept in a proper bed since…_

 

He threw his legs over the bed and sat up, rubbing at his bleary eyes. The sun was streaming through the gaps of the blinds and into the dark room. His phone buzzed, indicating a notification. He stretched to alleviate the stiffness clinging onto his shoulders and then picked up his phone. The brightness was at maximum and he squinted from the intensity of it. It was a message from Shorter. 

 

**[S]: you were dead asleep and i didnt want to wake you up but theres chinese takeout in the fridge for you from nadia**

 

**[S]: cain and i left. we think we found a lead in the bronx so we’ll be back in a few hours**

 

**[S]: you better eat >:[**

 

Ash snorted. Amused at how well Shorter was ‘taking care’ of him. He didn’t bother to respond and instead shut his phone off and headed to the refrigerator for said chinese takeout. The cognitions in his brains were sluggish to catch up and he wasn’t well rested at all, he was groggy, brain slow-witted, and his head was throbbing with a headache. 

 

 _Oversleeping is the worst,_ He concluded. 

 

He shuffled to the kitchen, limbs spent of all energy, he could hardly walk upright. He ignored the fatigue pulling on him like dead weight and opened the fridge. 

 

He found the takeout in plain sight and went to reach for it, however the bright pink sticky note on a saran wrapped bowl next to his ‘breakfast’ caught his attention. A quick scan of the words had his breath hitching, heart abruptly stopping, stomach churning. The world seemed to freeze as he reached for said note slowly, afraid that it would disappear and that it was all a dream, but the paper felt real against his fingertips, and he plucked the note off with a trembling hand.

 

I made you fruit salad. You’re lucky I didn’t leave you natto! Anyways this will hold you off until breakfast. :) Make sure you eat this before you go to sleep, you picky american!  

 

~Your japanese clutz, Eiji  

 

“Eiji.” He breathed, his hand clenching the note tight as he stood straight, rereading the note over and over again. His face wan and taut with an expression he imagines others would find him pitiful. 

 

Desperate, much like a starved man, turned the note over to see if there was possibly more than that and surely there was nothing else. He couldn’t evade the deep sense of disappointment and sadness gnawing at his heart. The note was the closest tangible thing he had of Eiji besides his clothes before he disappeared. 

 

_Breathe in. Breathe out. Don’t… lose it._

 

His head bowed and eyes clenched shut. 

 

_With Eiji I lose my composure, I revert back into that fearful child. I break under those comforting hands, I break under the very thought of harm being done to Eiji,_

  
  
  
  
  


_I break under the thought of Eiji dying._

 

His eyes broke open, he became painfully aware of what he just thought and he peered slowly down at the note cradled in his hand, breath near ragged. Wrinkled slightly from his tight grip. A teeth-gritted expression etched itself on his face, and the hand holding the note dropped back down to his side. Ash weakly murmured into the deafening silence of his- _their_ home, “As if I’d let death get anywhere near him.” 

 

And soon after that, he composed himself, held his head high- a glint of newly determination in his eyes gleaming and thriving relentlessly. 

 

No more standing in the dark. No more standing behind the curtain that will never unveil. He was going to do this _his_ way. 

 

His plan began with a friendly visit. 

 

He gathered his things, slipped on a jacket, grabbed the keys to Shorter’s motorcycle, and headed out the door. But, of course, he couldn’t ignore Eiji’s demands and ate the bowl of fruit Eiji left for him three-four days prior. 

 

The door slammed shut, dashing footsteps retreating down the hall of their condo until Ash could no longer be heard. An empty bowl, uneaten chinese takeout, and Eiji’s note tucked gingerly into the pocket of Ash’s jeans. 

 

 

 

_I said I’d raise hell._

  
  
  
  
  
  
  


_Well I better get started, huh?_

  


  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> please let me know your thoughts! 💕


	6. Could it get any worse

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eiji takes the first step towards his escape.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> enjoy what i can offer at the moment :( sorry for the delay and short chapter 💔

****

He pleaded. He played the role of a whore and he  _ despised  _ it with every particle of his body. The man, too stupid for his own good, believed Eiji became obedient. 

All he had to do was crawl to their feet and  _ beg _ . 

**_It’s to survive._ **

****  
  


**_To get home to Ash._ **

****  
  


**_To end this nightmare._ **

The pungent of his breath suffocated him, possibly intoxicating him solely from the putrid aroma of alcohol. He held his breath. For one or the other reason, it was unclear, because this was  _ the _ moment. 

**_Don’t hesitate._ **

**_Do not hesitate. Do it._ **

****  
  


**_End it._ **

****  
  


**_Quickly, before it’s too late._ **

****  
  


**_Do not freeze up. REACH UNDER THE PILLOW AND GRAB THE BOTTLE!_ **

****  
  
  


**_STAB HIM, STAB HIM, YOU’VE BEEN PREPARING FOR THIS MOMENT!_ **

The grimey kitten licks and sloppy kisses, groping and fondling of his privates, intrusion and coercion, the yellow shade of their crooked teeth and demonic grins, and soulless eyes, He shuddered in a gasp of breath and on autopilot, his hand reached underneath his pillow, blindly grasping for purchase of the bottle, and as he gripped it tightly: 

**_There’s no going back. Kill_ ** **_him_ ** **_._ **

****  
  
  
  
  


**_Or else you’ll really be useless than you already think you are._ **

****  
  
  


**_Or else…_ **

****  
  
  


**_You’ll never see your family, Shorter, Sing, Bones and Kong. You’ll never see Ash ever again._ **

****  
  
  
  


A storm of colors combusted before him, blinding him, white noise pummeling vehemently against him, but over the corruption, he discerned the muffled gut wrenching scream tearing from his throat. 

****  
  


It seemed as though the ringing lapsed over the other and his screams battled for dominance, red splattered over his vision, and then he recognized the gushing and squelch.

A trickle of thick and warm substance dribbled down onto his face and caked his upper neck and when Eiji finally came to, he was no longer underneath the man on the bed, but instead, straddling him on the floor, both legs pinned. A disturbing crazed gaze took manifestation, he hovered above the man and drove the protruding glass shards into his neck. Over and over and  _ over.  _ The  _ squelch  _ was deafening; more than anything Eiji has ever heard before. The man remained motionless and Eiji couldn’t find it in himself to stop, to stop stabbing him despite that he was long dead,

to stop screaming as though he was tumbling into a chaotic flurry of raw and wounded anger, resentment, disgust, and sadness; because he _ was _ . 

****  
  
  
  
  


To stop shedding tears at the recollection what he had lost because of this man’s iniquity and shamelessness.

He impaled him akin to a pin cushion of a thousand needles and only did he stop his assault is when the bottle shaved down to an impenetrable shape. 

He wheezed.

He blinked;

****  
  


and stared at the bloody and mangled corpse beneath him and it took him a long second to comprehend what he had done.

A heart wrenching sob shot from the pit of his stomach as he realized dutifully that he was soaked in blood and the floor, pooling and growing perpetually with crimson. With that the bottle fell to the floor with a thud and he jumped away in a haste of horror, panicking and afraid. Staring down at his trembling hands in disbelief, breath uneven, ragged and dry. He tripped over his legs to wipe the blood off on the sheets hanging from the mattress, but the blood staining his hands stayed as they were, the evidence of murder he committed was naked to the eye. 

His hands were stained with someone else's blood and that terrified him beyond words.

Petrified and alone with a mutilated corpse he couldn’t bear to glance at. The back of his throat ached horribly and he choked out a hard gasping sob, “a-as.. ash sh… a… ash… please…!” He stuttered out a cry and scrambled onto the bed, kicking away the sheets, his figure trembled wracked with tremors. “I- I had  _ no _ ch- choice…I want to go home.” 

“He was going to rape me!  _ I had to!”  _

His heart pummeling against his chest, blood pumping radically ruthless in his veins, he couldn’t get a fulfilling breath- 

His chest felt tight- 

His mouth drier than the dessert—

He couldn’t breathe!

****  
  


Eiji grasped at his throat, it felt as if the interior walls of his throat were swelling, hyperventilating,  _ I’m going to die! I don’t want to die, I can’t breathe!  _

_ Why can’t I breathe??! _

He was excessively trembling now, his whole figure wracked with violent shuddering beyond any control he thought he had. He clenched and pulled at the roots of his hair as his breathing accelerated, heaving and choking out half- sobs. 

Body immobile, numb cold, and rigid. He watched scraps of motion- picture film whizzing through his mind, he saw what he buried in the deepest corners of his memories. Glimpses of entangled bodies glistened with sweat, hands grasping at his flesh, 

****  
  


So many hands reaching for him, 

hurting him, violating him. 

He pleaded silently for it stop, “No more! I don’t want to see any of it!! GO AWAY!!!” and then suddenly a deep whirlpool of green.

_ Jade.  _ He corrected himself absently.

He pictured the pale and tender hand he’d grown to seek for comfort, cradle his cheek gingerly, thumbing soothing circles. He could hear the laughter bubbling out like a chorus of angelic and melodic music;  _ that _ laughter gave him a thousand butterflies and set his heart aflame like a hearth refusing to distinguish.

Desperately, he extended his arm out to the hand, impossible to reach given the distance and they reached out to him as well. The darkness enveloping him whole; 

Receded and retreated, a ball of yellow light rays coming forth in gentle waves. They were so close yet so far.

Their world shattered about them the very moment the tip of their fingers grazed.

****  
  
  
  


Here is nowhere. A paradox of nothingness, utter abandonment, no universe, no flash of life before his eyes, no life after death, his existence was merely becoming nothing, but dust in this vast and isolated void.

He just  _ floated _ .

****  
  
  


_ He was so tired.  _

_. _

_. _

****  
  


_. _

_. _

****  
  


Sound broke like an enormous crashing wave. The world flipsided and then he was free-falling at a speed that stretched space and time. 

_ A breeze of tranquil colors meshing, swirling, stirring. _

****  
  


A silky voice smooth as the petal of a rose, dripped in honey dew, spoke amongst his erratic heart beat _ , “Calm down, Eiji. I’m here with you.”  _

****  
  


Although the direction of where the voice came from was unknown. Two hands intertwined with his own.

****  
  
  
  
  


Everything stopped. 

****  
  
  
  
  
  


_ “Breathe.” They said.  _

This internalized familiarity stirring grew and then it hit him.  _ Ash’s voice was calling out to him, holding him.  _ Whether it was a figment of his imagination, he found no use to care, because all he wanted was Ash to be there with him. Even if it was a mere fragment of him. Only Ash. 

Just Ash. 

He shuddered an exhale and then inhaled deeply. Hand rested over his heart, nails indenting crescents into his chest as he tried to grapple for a grasp on reality. “Breathe.” He repeated, sniffling. 

****  
  


“Pull yourself together...” 

****  
  
  
  


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

****  
  


Eiji slipped on the white button up shirt he found discarded on the floor. It hung low and fit huge, the sleeves twice his own arm sagged in relief. The pants were all too big to wear to fit snug on his waist and he didn’t want to trip whilst escaping, so he made do with his underwear.

He moved around the room in haste regardless of the pain sending jolts of pain up his lower back because the body on the other side of the bed was a constant reminder what was waiting behind the door. He grabbed the sheets and draped the cloth over the man, eyes sealed tight and backed away. He stumbled on an object and when he looked down; it was the lamp.  _ Weapon.  _ He registered and plucked it from the ground. He weighed the lamp with a light toss of his hands and deemed it hefty.  _ Enough to deal some damage.  _

He pressed his ear to the door and listened attentively for any indication of someone else rummaging around. He knocked three times and waited. No response came and he repeated it again, but applied more force. A minute of dead silence on the opposite side and he figured the other watch men didn’t care enough to monitor him 24/7. He twisted the knob and it opened with a click. His heart flared and he was careful to step around the door and peek down the hall.  _ I don’t hear any one.  _ He concluded. 

With a nervous glance behind him, he crept out the room, holding his breath tight, hyper cautious of his surroundings. The creak of his weight weighing on the boards beneath him had him at a hiss.  _ Calm down.  _ Reminding himself sternly. The hall was long and the rooms on either side seemed to be locked or empty,  _ it's like the dorm rooms on campus.  _ At the end of the hall, he held the lamp defensively in front of him. 

In curiosity, he wondered how he looked as he did, a boy battered with multiple bruises littered on every inch of his skin, blood drenched into his skin, hair in disarray, and sixty percent naked as he crept out with a lamp as a weapon. 

The hall fell into a big room as what he assumed was the living room. The walls were vandalized from head to toe, furniture torn and old and practically draped in dust. He spotted a few critters to which he inwardly keened in disgust. There were no windows nor any other weapon he could utilize as a means to protect himself. 

Instinctively clutching the lamp tighter and followed into the next room but what he didn’t expect was to step on shattered glass. He yelped at the sickening crunch and the instant hot flare of pain blooming. Jumping away as if were burned, 

“fffffu—-ck!!” He hissed in a drawl and cradled his foot and hopped on the other. A whimper arose from his throat and he plucked out the glass protruding from his heel with trembling hands.  _ Why is everything against me?!  _ He thought sourly. Blood began to gush out and he tore a strip of his sleeve to dress his wound. 

_ Could it get any worse _

****  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay i knOw, I SUCK. i wanted to post this after i hit my 3k mark but ive lost all motivation and im working on my novel. god im just procrastinating and I HATE IT. im really frustrated with how this story is going tbh because for the life of me, I CANT FIGURE OUT HOW N O T TO BE OOC WITH ASH. its just super cringe how i portrayed my boy 😭😭 this is injustice. i dont know how ash will react in certain situations and THAT IS WHATS KILLING ME, but I WILL DELIVER NO MATTER HOW LONG IT TAKES ME so i apologize if i take weeks at a time just to upload with only 2k words. thank you guys for all the sweet comments and support, it really makes my day when i open my email and see a notification from you precious babies.

**Author's Note:**

> cry with me guys.


End file.
